Lives like mine: Explorations of racism, self-acceptance, and family complexities

Eva Verde is a British author of black and white heritage who writes about identity and class. Lives like mine is one of two novels she has published to date.

I really enjoyed Lives like mine. It feels especially authentic given the author's background and I warmed to her thoughtful and believable portrayal of the characters in the novel. The themes of motherhood, marriage, family dysfunction, identity, and racism kept me interested throughout the book.

Lives like mine | Published June 2021 | Read December 2023

The story is narrated by Monica, a mixed heritage woman who is married to white guy, Dan. (Monica's mother is Trinidadian and her father is white.) Monica and Dan have three children and lead a busy life in a small Essex village, with Dan commuting to London for his successful career and Monica at home keeping things running. Monica and Dan have been married for 13 years, but Dan's family still exhibit both casual and overt racism towards Monica that Dan infuriatingly tolerates. He shouldn't have to defend Monica but the fact that he repeatedly fails to take a stand against their bigotry and micro aggressions made me wonder about his love for his wife.

Monica feels lost, unsupported and taken for granted in her primary role as a homemaker. Her children are all now at school and Monica finds herself at a personal crossroads - approaching 40 and unsure of her identity or her future. When she meets fellow parent, Joe, himself in a complicated marriage, the two hit it off, finding connections with each other that they have lost with their respective spouses. Joe seems to understand Monica better than Dan does and when she is with him, she is free of the racism she endures from Dan's family and his impotence when it comes to calling out and changing their prejudiced behaviour. Monica is also dealing with an estrangement from her parents after a complicated childhood and poor decision making as a teenager, and this adds to her identity crisis.

I loved Monica. I found her raw and authentic. Verde's telling of the micro-aggressions that black women face on a daily basis through Monica's lens is both heartbreaking and truthful. Although uncomfortable to read at times, I enjoyed the exploration of an inter-racial marriage and the insights into Dan's family's ongoing lack of acceptance of Monica and their unashamedly racist treatment of her.

While I didn't love the infidelity, I understand why Monica chooses to go down that path and it makes her seem more honest and believable. It is easier to swallow the infidelity, too, given Verde's portrayal of Dan and the absence of both the desire and the capacity to understand how Monica feels about her identity, her place in the world, and his family's treatment of her. Dan's behaviour says as much about racism and prejudice as it does about low male emotional intelligence and an inability to see things from women's perspectives. Dan chooses keeping the peace with his family over his wife's feelings, and that made me dislike him from the outset.

Lives like mind all sounds very grim but the novel actually left me feeling that there is hope for women who reach their own form of crossroads as wives and mothers as their children grow. It is something I have myself experienced, but of course without the battles Monica faces as a black woman. The added layer of racism and family dysfunction make for a complex and honest story, with a cast of flawed and messy characters that add layers and authenticity to the narrative. The racism is handled sensitively, from an author who has the lived experience to make it realistic. It is a story that needs to be heard repeatedly if change is to happen. I was Team Monica the whole way, despite her flaws, and I love that the ending is nicely handled. Readers are left with some sense of hope and optimism as Monica reclaims her identity and sets a course for the future.

Rating: ⭐⭐⭐⭐